It was a bitterly cold December day in the PO4 region of Antarctica when our brave explorers arrived to set up their Vital base camp at the bottom of the Frogmore glacier.
They arrived by various means of transport but most came on foot or vehicular automobile.
Captain Robert Falcon Scott played by the wise old owl arrived with his trusty sidekick Captain L E G (Titus) Oates played by a recently defrocked vicar now dressed more like a penguin.
On arrival they discovered that an advance party led by a striped shirted gentleman carrying a storage container had already been confronted by strangely equipped representatives of what was later found to the Broken Biscuit Company. One was carrying a weird glass fronted box, which he kept sticking in the face of passers by; another was carrying a long pole with what appeared to be a dead dog on the end.
These extraordinary gentlemen with their two aides (one dressed in a peculiar pin striped coat with a scarf outside! And the other with bizarre headgear covering his ears) appeared to be executing a weird inquisition ritual on the chap with the storage container. Titus commented that all he had to defend himself with was a barrage of clichés. The group then turned their attentions on Scott and Oates giving the previous two a chance to escape but only after promising to answer more questions after their adventure was over.
Scott and Oates, bereft of their beloved alcohol, gave as good as they got during their examination refusing to budge from the line that the expedition would be a success and that previous failures should not be taken as a guide. They claimed there was a new approach and that would guarantee success. They also were made to promise to undergo a further examination on their return.
Scott left with his woman and headed quickly in a northerly direction to a far off place where the almost extinct Optimus Primus could be found. This fierce but lovable creature had recently had life saving surgery and was undergoing recuperation in a place known as the Club Shop. After paying their respects they left in a hurry to climb the steps for the start of the adventure. In this part of the world the competition begins when a practically blind man blows a whistle – a strange ritual but very true!!
Unfortunately the race with the men in white did not go well and it was over when the Bulgarian ‘Berbatov the whiner’ reached the summit by climbing the eastern wall to the acclaim of his group of weird chanting natives. Our heroes were left to retrace their steps to meet their inquisitors. On the way Oates by now completely overcome by frostbite and the sense of failure turned to his trusted leader Scott and quoted the now immortal line ‘I am just going home, I may be some time’. With that he headed west to a place called Old Sarum which is believed to be somewhere near Vladivostock. He has not yet seen since but searches have been underway since his disappearance, mostly taking place after midnight with the search parties carrying wooden stakes.
The re-examination began and again the striped shirted man was first but he seemed to escape lightly this time with talks of holidays and some strange pagan festival called Christmas. That left Scott to face the music now without the departed Oates. Those from the BBC refused to accept that Oates could have left before his final interrogation and proceeded to question the expedition leader on four occasions in four different locations in an attempt to break him.
But Scott refused to budge from his line and tried to confuse them with greatly detailed statistics and talk of improbable correlations. He steadfastly stuck to the line that although Oates would have blamed the ponies that had been bought in the previous summer he believed that they had been deployed in the wrong formation and need more at the front to pull the team through.
He further felt that the HR unit would use the upcoming weather window to replace those returning to African climes with reinforcements that would keep alive hopes of finishing in the top four. The BBC could see that Scott was now failing too as the frost covered his hair and beard – giving him almost a grey appearance – and decided to end the questioning there.
The BBC left in search of free alcohol leaving Scott the long walk with his woman to the East in search of refuge from the freezing conditions.
Written by eastneydave.
The views within this article are the views of the individual who wrote and submitted this piece, sometimes solely theirs. They are not necessarily shared by the Vital Pompey Site Journalists.
To see Chix’s mock account of the match of the day 2 adventure click here.
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