Court Round Up – Breaking News

We have just received this report from our Court Correspondent outside Portsmouth Crown Court.

Proceedings in the now infamous ‘How do YOU spell Portsmouth’ case have taken a dramatic twist today as the case for the prosecution broke down in light of new evidence.

It had been alleged that Chix, a 23 year old Portsmouth born, freelance catalogue model and celebrity, currently residing in the Cathedral city of Salisbury, had knowingly offered misprinted Cup Final t-shirts for sale prior to Portsmouth’s Wembley clash with Cardiff City on 17 May 2008.

The t-shirts in question, designed & commissioned by the fans website ‘Vital Portsmouth’ carried an incorrect spelling of the website name and until this morning it had been assumed that poor quality control in Chix’s processes had led to the error.

However, ‘Exhibit #254’ anonymously handed to the Clerk of Courts by a women known only as ‘Angelina’ late last night, contained paperwork relating to the contract between the accused and the (to date unnamed) company responsible for printing the t-shirts.

Documentation contained within the exhibit clearly demonstrated that the design originally forwarded to the printers contained the correct spelling of the website address. Furthermore it proved beyond any doubt that the final draft of the design, supplied by the company for Chix’s approval, contained no spelling mistakes whatsoever.

It was the presentation of these facts that led the presiding Judge ‘Mr Justice Pantson’ to conclude that despite vigorous checks prior to the submission of the final draft, the error must had occurred at the printers and therefore Chix, despite having blue-hair, had no case to answer and stood wrongly accused.

In summing up ‘Mr Justice Pantson’ addressed those who doubted the now ‘innocent’ celebrity for not using spell check or, as in one case (from an silverware-less Chelsea fan) for suggesting he was ‘just thick’, by advising them to help Chix clear his recently acquired ‘Arthur Daly’ or ‘Del-Boy’ image in favour of something more akin to his previous clean living, alcohol free lifestyle and excellent law abiding character.

Before dismissing the case ‘Mr Judge Pantson’ also dealt with the issue of damages, not only towards the accused, but to those, who like witness Storagematt wore the t-shirt with pride and in good faith, completely unaware of the error.

The Judge ordered the t-shirt company to print a new design of the website editors choice and to offer it ‘free of charge’ to everybody who purchased one of the ‘now collectable’ originals.

Outside the court, Chix’s Barrister, ‘Ivor Sillywhite-Wigon QC’ made the following statement to the waiting media.

“My client has experienced a torrid month. Despite becoming a national celebrity due to the coverage of this trial, he has not only had to endure ridicule and suffering as a result of being wrongly accused but has had to deal with the media circus surrounding the case and overcome ‘personal advances’ from those in the celebrity spotlight”

“Few of you will realise that on Cup Final day my client, so depressed by the situation, tried to commit suicide by way of decapitation. He stuck his head between two tube-train carriages and shouted “I’m Pompey. Now I die!” Luckily, he swallowed the oncoming train, but It was this event together with the impending court case which led his hair to turn blue and consigned him to a existence of alcohol and solvent based substance abuse which have engulfed his young life ever since”

“That said, my client is happy with the outcome of today’s hearing, but would now like to consider the matter closed. Furthermore, he wishes to return to a normal life as soon as possible and urges everybody to stop fuelling the tabloids with fantastical stories of his alleged alcohol smuggling, street dancing, prostitution and platform hopping.”

“Finally, my client has specifically requested that Ms Jolie, Ms Cole and Ms Berry stop trying to contact him and acknowledge that, despite his recent performances, he is a happily married man”

The case is now closed.

But the ‘ideas thread’ for the ‘NOW FREE’ (to most anyway) European Tour T-Shirt is well and truly open. Click here to submit your own or see others ideas.

Written by Chix.

The views within this article are the views of the individual who wrote and submitted this piece, sometimes solely theirs. They are not necessarily shared by the Vital Pompey Site Journalists.